This Week’s Story

3 Dollars And A G-String

I realized something the other day.

There are three moments in every guy’s life, three rites of passage if you will, that make him think he’s officially a man.

The first time he sees a naked woman.

The first time he drinks a beer.

And the first time he walks into a strip club.

Now every guy has his own version of those stories.

But in my case there was one unusual detail.

Dad happened to be present for all three.

1972 – The Movie

The first one happened in 1972.

I was eleven.

My parents wanted to go to a movie, but they couldn’t leave me home alone. Kevin and Dawn were off doing whatever older siblings do when family responsibility suddenly appears, so I got drafted to go with them.

The movie was Avanti!, starring Jack Lemmon and Juliet Mills.

Rated R.

Which probably should have been a clue.

At one point in the film, Jack Lemmon and Juliet Mills go swimming somewhere in the Mediterranean. They strip off their clothes, swim out to a rock, climb up, and stretch out in the sun.

And suddenly there is Miss Juliet Mills… Nanny from Nanny and the Professor…

in all her glory…

on a movie screen roughly the size of a garage door.

It set the bar very high.

Now, purely for research purposes, I recently went back and watched that scene again just to make sure my memory hadn’t exaggerated anything.

I’m happy to report my eleven-year-old brain remembered it with remarkable accuracy.

It was at this point Dad leaned over and said quietly,

“Hey Boy… if you have any questions feel free to ask me.”

That was the entire father-son talk.

I was lucky I even heard it, because at that moment I was completely mesmerized.

Not thinking.

Not processing.

Not forming questions.

The only thought in my head was:

I cannot wait to tell my buddy about this.

1977 – The Beer

About five years later Dad sat me down and said something that, at the time, made me feel incredibly grown up.

He said if I was going to drink, he’d rather I did it at home where he could keep an eye on things.

Which sounded perfectly reasonable to me.

So I took him up on the offer.

That evening I had my first beer.

Then another.

And then, because I was young and incredibly stupid, I kept going.

The evening ended the way many first drinking experiences do.

With me on my knees in the bathroom praying to the porcelain gods and promising the Lord I would never drink again if He would just let me survive the night.

The next morning I woke up feeling like I’d been run over by farm equipment.

Dad took one look at me, sipped his coffee, and said,

“Hey Boy… I know it doesn’t sound good to you right now, but a little hair of the dog that bit you will get rid of that whole feeling like a bag of smashed assholes.”

At the time I wasn’t convinced.

But I appreciated the medical consultation.

1984 – The Club

Seven years after that I was working at WYNK radio when the phone rang.

It was Dad.

“Hey Boy,” he said.
“This weekend is Mother’s Day. I thought we could surprise your mom.”

His plan was simple.

I hadn’t been home in a while.

He’d buy me a plane ticket.

I’d fly home.

He’d pick me up late that night.

We’d sneak me into the house after Mom went to bed.

Then in the morning I’d walk into the kitchen like nothing had happened.

And scare the life out of her.

It was at this time Frankie and I had been dating for a while, and she drove me to the airport to see me off. That night was the first time she told me she loved me.

So it was already shaping up to be a memorable evening.

Dad picked me up at Houston Hobby around nine o’clock.

And he had brought Red with him.

Dad said we needed to waste some time until Mom went to bed.

I asked where Mom thought he was.

He said,

“I told her me and Red were going to play pool.”

So we headed toward home.

At one point Red suddenly said,

“Right here, boy. Let’s stop here.”

Dad immediately said,

“No, we’re not stopping there.”

Red said,

“Aww come on.”

Dad sighed the sigh of a man who had argued with Red before… and already knew how it was going to end.

Then he turned the car into the parking lot.

That’s when I saw the sign.

Sugar’s.

A gentleman’s club.

A strip club.

A titty bar.

Basically a dollar store for bad decisions.

Dad looked at Red and said,

“One drink. Then we’re leaving.”

Red nodded enthusiastically.

“Yeah, yeah.”

So now here I am.

Sitting in a strip club.

With my dad.

Which is not a sentence I ever expected to say out loud.

Especially considering that just two hours earlier my girlfriend had told me she loved me for the first time.

It had been a very confusing evening.

Dad and I spent the entire time talking to each other about completely normal things…

Acting like we were both totally oblivious to what was happening three feet in front of us.

Meanwhile Red was having the time of his life.

At one point he leaned over like an excited teenager and whispered,

“I think I felt some hair. Give me a dollar, I want to try again.”

Dad and I both immediately said,

“We don’t have any.”

Red looked disappointed.

“Aww man. All I’ve got are tens and twenties.”

Dad said,

“Well give her a twenty. Lord knows you’ve already traumatized the poor thing by your ugly ass touching her.”

A few minutes later Dad stood up and said,

“Nope. We’re done. I’m sure Donna’s gone to bed by now.”

And out we went.

The next morning when I walked into the kitchen and Mom saw me standing there, she crossed her legs, grabbed the counter, and laughed so hard she thought she might pee.

The surprise had worked perfectly.

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Author’s Note

Looking back now, it occurs to me how lucky I really was.

Dad wasn’t there for just those three moments.

He was there for every important moment in my life.

And if there really is a heaven, I have a feeling when my time comes…

Dad will show up with Red to pick me up.

Probably tell Mom they were just out playing pool.

And then surprise her one more time.

And God… if you’re listening…

maybe Juliet Mills could come with them.